"you’re a good guy."
"no. i’m not. i’m really not."
i’ve never been good at receiving compliments, but then again i’ve never met anyone who was really good at it.
whenever someone shoots a compliment my way, i do my best to deflect it. most of the time, i deny them. that’s not true of me. no, really. i assure you, good sir and/or madam, you are quite mistaken.
i not only deny compliments, but i paint myself in the most unflattering of lights possible.
if i were forced to stand naked on a public stage and ridiculed, i would join in with the crowd. with every jeer or insult, i would amplify each one by subjecting myself to further degradation. i would grab the flab of my stomach and shake my head in disgust, agreeing with the crowd’s disapproval.
but with every jab, i claim to do it in the name and virtue of honesty.
i pride myself on it. but to be truly honest, i am being dishonest.
every single self-deprecating comment directed at me by me is done in the name of self-preservation. every “honest” evaluation is a piece of armor i’m putting on to protect the very thing i am supposed to be making vulnerable.
i build up walls around me because i’m afraid of not living up to the standards those compliments set me up for.
i just don’t want to let anyone down.